What soft swap usually means
Soft swap generally means that partners are intimate with another couple or single, but stop short of penetrative sex with anyone other than their own partner. For many couples that includes kissing, touching and oral sex, while others draw the line at kissing and touching only. Some people use soft swap to describe being in the same room as another couple while each pair stays with their own partner, though that is more often called same-room or watching.
Because the term covers a range, never assume that another couple's idea of soft swap matches yours. A couple who say soft swap might happily include oral sex, while another might be shocked at the suggestion. The only way to know is to ask.
What full swap usually means
Full swap generally means that partners are comfortable having penetrative sex with someone other than their own partner. That might happen in the same room as each other or in separate rooms, depending on what the couple agree. Full swap couples still set boundaries, such as always using condoms, only swapping when both partners are present, or limiting things to certain people.
Full swap is not a step up from soft swap, and soft swap is not a lesser version of the lifestyle. Many couples are happily soft swap for years, and some full swap couples prefer soft play on certain nights. What matters is that both partners are comfortable.
Other terms you will see
A few other phrases often appear alongside these. Same room means both couples stay in the same room, whatever they are doing. Separate room means each pair goes to a different room. Watching or voyeur means someone enjoys watching others without joining in. Hotwife describes a woman who plays with others while her partner watches or knows. Our explainer on swinging, ENM and polyamory covers the wider vocabulary.
These terms are not rules; they are shorthand. Use them to start a conversation, not to replace one.
Deciding as a couple
Before you write anything on a profile, sit down together and talk about what each of you wants and what each of you is nervous about. It helps to go through specific activities rather than labels, because one partner's idea of soft swap may be different from the other's. Talk about kissing, touching, oral sex, penetrative sex, same room or separate rooms, and what protection you will always use.
Agree what happens if one of you changes your mind on the night. The usual rule in the lifestyle is that either partner can stop things at any time, for any reason, without an argument afterwards. Our guide to talking to your partner about opening up can help if you are having this conversation for the first time.
Starting soft and seeing how it feels
Many couples start with soft swap even if they think they might want more later. It lets you find out how you both feel in the moment, with less pressure, and it is much easier to agree to go further next time than to undo something you regret. Some couples discover they are happiest with soft swap; others move on to full swap once they are confident.
There is no timetable. Some couples take months between their first soft swap and their first full swap, some never make the change, and some go straight to full swap with a couple they already know well. All of these are fine.
Writing it on your profile
On Swingers Dates, use your profile to say clearly what you are looking for and what you are comfortable with. If you are soft swap only, say so. If you are open to full swap with the right people, say that, and mention anything that is non-negotiable, such as condoms or same room only. Clear profiles attract matches who want the same things.
Keep it friendly rather than a list of rules. A sentence or two about who you are, what you enjoy and what you are looking for gives a much better impression than a long list of restrictions.
Talking about it with a match
Bring up soft or full swap early in conversations, before you arrange to meet. A simple question such as "Are you soft or full swap, and what does that mean for you?" opens the subject without awkwardness. Listen carefully to the answer and share your own honestly. If your boundaries do not match, it is better to know now.
On the first meeting, talk about it again in person, and remember that agreeing to something in messages is not a promise. Everyone can change their mind. Our guide to first-time swinger etiquette covers how a first date usually goes.
Consent and protection
Whatever you agree, consent must be clear, ongoing and freely given by everyone involved. Check in with your partner and with the other couple, and stop if anyone seems unsure. Alcohol can blur judgement, so many couples limit drinks on a first meeting.
Talk about sexual health before you meet, including recent tests and whether you always use protection. In the UK, the NHS can help you find a sexual health clinic; in the US, the CDC's testing locator does the same.
When partners want different things
It is common for one partner to be keener on full swap than the other. If that happens, go with the more cautious partner's limits, at least for now. Pushing a reluctant partner rarely ends well, and the lifestyle only works when both of you feel safe and wanted. Revisit the subject after a few dates, when you both know more about how you feel, and remember that it is fine if the answer stays the same.
After the date
Talk afterwards as a couple, ideally the next day when you are both rested. Share what you enjoyed, what felt uncomfortable and whether you would like to do anything differently next time. If you decide to change your boundaries, update your profile so future matches know.
Frequently asked questions
What is the difference between soft swap and full swap?
Soft swap usually means intimacy with others that stops short of penetrative sex, while full swap usually includes penetrative sex with someone other than your partner. Meanings vary, so always ask what a couple means.
Is oral sex soft swap?
For many couples it is, but not for everyone. Some couples limit soft swap to kissing and touching. Ask a match what they include before you meet.
Should we start with soft swap?
Many couples do, because it lets you see how you both feel with less pressure. It is your choice, and there is no right order.
Can we change our minds on the night?
Yes. Either partner can stop at any time for any reason, and the other couple should respect that without argument.
How do we say we are soft swap on Swingers Dates?
Write it clearly in your profile, along with anything that is non-negotiable, and raise it early in conversations with matches.